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New Year's Resolutions


Happy New Year! Of course, with another year comes another New Year’s resolution. I’m leaning towards resolving to have a golf game as good as the late Kim Jong Il (4 holes in one in his first round ever...respectable). Now I know what you’re thinking, why bother with a resolution? This is 2012, the end of days is upon us. Well, it may surprise you all to learn that I actually don’t think the world’s end is imminent. Sure the dooming prediction of a civilization now nonexistent for thousands of years seems solid enough, but I’ve done my due diligence and a plan is in place. John Cusack has been contacted and it’s just a matter of working out the final bits of his contract before the work begins. Nevertheless, just the idea that Bryce from Sixteen Candles may not be up to the task makes me sad to think that this could be my last New Year’s resolution ever - which then makes me think of past New Year’s resolutions. In fact, I’m taken back to my very first one. At the age of six, I resolved to NEVER break a New Year’s resolution.

When that first resolution was made, I didn’t foresee any of the problems that I would eventually encounter. My promise at age 10 to forever be Counting Crows’ number one fan was admittedly short sighted. And how was a 12 year-old supposed to know that the Atkins Diet may actually eat away at your kidneys? But to this day, I still rock out to Mr. Jones and Me and have a freezer full of red meat (that is absolutely delicious). New Year’s resolutions are hard; they are supposed to be, but keeping them is part of the reason why my friends consider me to be some form of hybrid between Justin Timberlake, Mark Zuckerberg, and Tim Tebow. With that in mind, here are a couple of my resolutions for 2012 (remember some of these I have had for nearly two decades):

Maintain a Healthy Diet: My diet is similar to the Slim-Fast diet if the Slim-Fast diet joined Seal Team Six, loaded up on steak, and shot Osama Bin Laden. Also, I haven’t had a candy bar since December of 1993. Milky Way? More like, “No Way!” Obviously I have been tempted. There have been some amazing breakthroughs in the candy industry. Ever since that math class in the 7th grade when we had to sort through a bag of M&Ms to determine which colors were the most common, I’ve been craving you, blue M&M. And ever since I ate a gallon of that delicious ice cream, I’ve been lusting after you, Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Bar. In 2006, I hungered for a single blue M&M but did push-ups until I lost my sense of taste and sight. Resolution Maintained.

11.9 Million Twitter Followers: A good friend of mine once referred to Twitter followers as the currency of the 21st century. I’m not exactly sure what that means but I know I agree with it. So why 11.9 million? Short answer: Kim Kardashian. She is the Scrooge McDuck of Twitter followers. Everything she tweets turns to cybergold; then she swan dives into her pool of followers and reminds everyone that Kendall Jenner’s Sweet Sixteen episode will be on E! at 9PM EST. I’m inspired. I’ve spent the last couple weeks refreshing her Twitter page and using it in a Rosetta Stone-like capacity; using her tweets to better understand Twitter. What I learned shocked me: Kim never thought she would want an iPhone but she actually does want one - but only as a second phone (http://tinyurl.com/7szaqye). I need to start breaking news like that. I probably need a second phone too. I’m learning so much from Kim. It’s only a matter of time before I start seeing exponential follower growth. Only 11,899,700 more to go. (@allennatt)

Cry: This is a new one as of this year and I’m pretty excited about it. I’ve come to understand my need to be more vulnerable and in touch with my emotions. The fact that I am so manly and, consequently awesome at everything, makes it difficult for me to find the time to cry. Fortunately, I think I have been making some progress towards this goal over the past year. For example, I think that my eyes may have watered up a bit at the end of The Notebook. I’m not sure what it was, but I do know that I felt something weird. Now, before you get all up on your Mucho Macho Man high-horse and start to think that I am some sort of softy, I assure you that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am a man of men. A man whose biggest role models are Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, Babe. But even Paul Bunyan shed a single massive tear after Babe’s passing, and that’s how I know it’s alright.

Maintain Fitness: It was 1995 when I pledged to be perfectly fit. Since then, I have chiseled my body to the exact proportions of Michelangelo's David. In the 90’s, my workouts mostly consisted of chicken fights on monkey bars and dodge-ball in gym class. Now, due to the fact that my daily caloric intake is of truly Phelpsian proportions (still no candy bars), I have turned to fitness celebrity, John Basedow. Back in ‘99, John made fitness simple. He helped me sculpt a lean, hard body with great abdominals. Unfortunately, I hit a short bump in the road back in 2004 when my VHS copy of “Six-Pack Abs” wore out. Thankfully, I have since taken the plunge and upgraded my entire Basedow collection to DVD and Blu-Ray (The Blu-Ray really lets you see the muscle definition and always gives me something to strive for). I only fell off the wagon one other time during a brief 72-hour period back in ‘97 when hitting the gym never even crossed my mind. My best friend got GoldenEye 007 for N64. The lights, the sounds, the DK Mode, it was all too much. I didn’t sleep for three straight days and survived on a diet of Oatmeal Cream Pies, Kool-Aid, and proximity mines. I no longer lived at my parents’ house. I was spawned in The Stacks and spent my days sprinting back and forth between the body armor and RC-P90 ammunition. After my 72-hour Bond binge, I took a moment to pause, reflect, and ultimately vowed never to destroy my body like that again. I haven’t.

New Year’s resolutions are hard to keep. I can’t dispute that. Sometimes I have to go to three different stores to find chewable Flintstones vitamins, but that isn’t going to stop me from taking one everyday (1994). I know that that is the kind of dedication it takes. It wasn’t easy to build the pyramids. It wasn’t easy to paint the Mona Lisa. And it definitely wasn’t easy for Tom Emanski to produce Baseball World’s back to back to back AAU national champions. So consider that the next time you want pick up the remote control instead of a dumbbell. Save the dramas for pajamas, and remember that 2012 isn’t the end of days, it’s the Days of Our Lives.

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