Mailbag!

March 27, 2012

placehoder

I decided to mix it up this time and answer some questions I’ve been receiving via Twitter. Let’s pinch our noses and pencil-dive right into this.

Derek in Arlington: I broke up with my girlfriend because she cheats at Words With Friends. Did I make a mistake?

Absolutely not. Words With Friends, much like the relationship between boyfriend and girlfriend, is built on trust. Once that trust is broken, well, it’s over. I mean, what is next? Is she going to start stealing money from the Monopoly bank? Will she start taking HGH, get huge, and break Barry Bond’s home-run record? It’s a slippery slope. Unfortunately, you had no choice here. You had to end it. But as my friend Hustle Man says, “90% of relationships are like Rick Ross. They don’t work out.” You’ll be alright.

Corey in NYC: Are you really supposed to hit the 57 on a Heinz 57 bottle to get the ketchup to pour out?

Honestly, I don’t know. By now I would have thought that the ketchup industry would have entirely shifted to squeeze bottles only. But I get it. You have a nice restaurant and the look of that glass Heinz bottle is pretty classic; but how do your patrons look when they violently wage a shake-weight-like war on the bottle? I’m starting to believe the 57 isn’t the bullseye for attack, but the number of times we’re supposed to hit/shake the bottle to make the ketchup come out. I’ve been at a restaurant where the bro at the table beside me asked if he could “work in” after I finished my “set” with the Heinz. I obviously obliged because it’s easier with a little help and there is always that doubt in the back of my mind that I’m not doing it correctly. But it’s clear I’m not the only one with these doubts. When I’m out to eat, I see others channelling their inner George Clooney a la Oceans 11, scrutinizing their Heinz like it’s the vault at the Bellagio. They try to penetrate the seal by jamming their knife into the mouth of the beast, or bang the 57s that seem arbitrarily plastered across ketchup’s Fort Knox. Inevitably, when flow is finally achieved, it pours out with such ferocity that my fries end up swimming in a Lake Superior sized pool of ketchup. In Heinz sight, they really should put instructions on the bottle.

Andrew in Portland: In your reading of history, have you come across anyone who has found a way to take off a hooded sweatshirt without looking like an awkward, apoplectic goon? And if so, please share.

No. Perhaps the only flaw in this wardrobe staple is that the hoodie is nearly impossible to get off. I’ve tried wearing my hooded sweatshirts in virtually every possible way. From cutting the sleeves off at the elbows Belichick style, to going shirtless underneath in the hopes that I would maintain perfect core temperature and not have to remove it. But it doesn’t matter. Eventually everyone must take theirs off. And when they do, I’ve noticed two predominant techniques:

The Grabber: This common technique first requires the you to grab your right sleeve around the elbow with your left hand as you pull your arm out of the sleeve and leave it dangling somewhere in the stomach area of your sweatshirt. With that dangling arm, you grab onto the bottom of your undershirt as you slide the sweatshirt over your shoulder, head, and off your arm. If performed correctly, you should be holding the sweatshirt in your left hand and no one will have seen your bare-midriff.

Over-The-Top: This technique is much more aggressive. I frequently see it used by basketball players while running to the scorer's table. It is a two handed assault right at the scapulas. Grab onto your sweatshirt just over your shoulders with both hands and reverse curl the hoodie over your head. The tricky part here is only grabbing hold of the sweatshirt. An Over-The-Top removal frequently results in the losing of your undershirt too. It doesn’t get more awkward than that.

Thankfully TravisMathew has a hybrid: A hoodie that can be used to dress down a button up, or dress up a t-shirt. I’m speaking of course of the zipper hoodie (found here: http://www.travismathew.com/shop/cart.php?m=product_detail&p=587). It’s half gym wear, half formal wear, and 100% awesome. The zipper hoodie is perfect for casual lounging around the house, or casual encounters on Craigslist. It’s the rescue club in your wardrobe. You can use it anywhere, and in the rare occasion that you would actually have to take it off, well, it couldn’t be easier.

Thanks for all your questions and keep them coming.

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