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Who Could They Be?


While I was stuck in traffic this afternoon on 495 outside DC, Seacrest must have played Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” at least four times. The lyrics to the chorus are now seared into my brain:

In another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world...

But Katy doesn’t stop there, she speculates about the paths we do or don’t take, and how different choices could have possibly yielded an entirely different life. It got me thinking: In another life, what would pro golfers be doing? Who would they be?

I know that we’ve all seen those celebrity look-alike things before. I’m going to take it a bit deeper than that. Just because an unshaven Lucas Glover looks like Ben Roethlisberger, or the fact that Louis Oosthuizen shares similar facial features with Andre from The League, isn’t enough to predict who that person could be in another life. Just like the Miss USA Pageant, this takes much more than looks. It is a thorough analysis of each golfer’s personality, swagger, and overall aura. Based on my rigorous proprietary ranking system, each golfer will be paired with celebrity/character that best represents who they could be in another life.

Tiger Woods - IBM’s Watson

As I tuned in to Watson’s incredible run on Jeopardy last February, I was totally amazed as he steamrolled through former champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. It was the biggest moment of his career. He had been training for this competition his entire artificial life. And like Tiger, he rose to the challenge, and the only Jeopardy answer either of his competitors had enough time to come up with was, “How?” No one had ever seen dominance like that before. But if anyone is capable of dominating like Watson, it is Tiger. He is the guy that won four consecutive majors. He ran away with the 2000 US Open winning by 15 strokes. His focus is unparalleled and his approach to the game is already computer-like. He has even suffered from several unfortunate viruses (Steve Williams and Hank Haney just to name a few). I’m assuming that all he has to do is flip a switch and he’ll be full on robot.

Bubba Watson - Will Smith

I’ve been trying to put my finger on what makes Bubba so cool but it’s like trying to name all 27 flavors in Dr. Pepper. Bubba transcends cool. He can bend the ball like Beckham, dance like Derek Hough (if you don’t believe me ask Delta Goodrem), and produce Twitvids that get more hits than Robert Garrigus’ hippie lettuce. He gave us a sneak peek at his musical prowess with The Golf Boys, but his overall skill-set is so diverse he makes Jack Ofalltrades look like One Trickpony. If the man isn’t as talented as Will Smith, he is pretty darn close.

Ian Poulter - Mugatu

This one is tough because I'm not entirely sure that Ian Poulter ISN'T Mugatu. Eccentrically spiked hair? Check. Kaleidoscopic outfits? Check. A propensity to get all farty and bloated after drinking a foamy latte? Check. But the connection between the two goes beyond that. After watching Ian cat-walk around in the early morning mist at Celtic Manor, my worst fears about the GaGa Golfer were confirmed: He is evil. The Ryder Cup transformed him from Cleveland Lebron to South Beach Lebron, and all it took was a subtle fist pump after an American lip-out. I realize Ian probably isn’t plotting to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia, but he is definitely up to something and he must be stopped.

Phil Mickelson - Your Neighbor

Phil couldn’t be more like your neighbor. He does the 1-18 grind pretty much every day - sometimes even having to get up before sunrise. He never complains. When things get tough, he keeps his head up and presses onward. He harnesses that indomitable American spirit that built the Transcontinental Railroad, designed the blue jean, and invented the all-you-can-eat buffet. Phil is an inspiration and challenges us to be all that we can be. Thank you, neighbor.

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